last born woes…

I have fears of being 40 and still staying at home.

Not because I won’t be successful but because my mum would have refuted, denied, fought and won against my efforts to move out. See, I’m the youngest in a family of 5. The baby of the family. The one who never went to boarding school because someone had to remain at home with mom. I call this aspect sibling guilt. My siblings all left home for greener pastures and they are doing well but now mum is all alone and someone has to remain with her. In comes the last born. I’m the same person who came back home after university to settle down here. This was partly because I couldn’t get a job in my country of choice and partly to take care of mum.

It was fun to be the baby of the family when I was younger because I got away with murder. I would do stuff and as soon as someone said “ah, ndiye rugotwe ka” (she is the last born after all) and that inevitable hiding would simply disappear. Now that I’m older, it’s not fun anymore. My mum’s over protection was welcome in my tweens but now as a young adult, I resent the substantial helpings of love. I feel like I have no voice, no opinions NOTHING. It’s also made more apparent because I still live in her house. My mum goes to the extent of wanting to tell me what to wear, where to go and how to plan my social life (i.e. spend the whole day at home. Don’t go anywhere. Don’t meet anyone. In other words, live like a hermit). I remember when I initially came back home after a 5 year absence. She would insist on accompanying me to town, waiting for me while I checked my e-mails, saw my friends etc just so we could come home together. Now this is was sweet gesture but at 23, you don’t want your mum following you around like a lost puppy.  Subsequently I started working and if I wasn’t home by 6pm, the phone calls and texts would start.

I don’t blame my mum though. All her life she lived for her kids. Now the kids are growing up and moving on with their lives. Where does that leave her? I understand where she is coming from but I just wish I wasn’t the one who had to deal with it. I guess my point is she doesn’t need to hold my hand as I cross the street anymore. She doesn’t need to pick out my clothes and tell me when to eat and what to eat. Instead of appreciating it, I begrudge the extra attention. And even if I try to explain it to her, she doesn’t see it from my point of view and is yet to accept that I’m growing up and need to learn to make my own mistakes.

I guess these are the perks of being the baby of the family.

Counting down the years until I move out…

Advertisements

5 thoughts on “last born woes…

  1. debzy says:

    funnily enough i am on the opposite side of the coin, baby of the family and grew up with the over protection but for me it did not stay, did not gradually fade, after high school it was just gone. both extremes are not great but we deal with what we got. took me awhile to realise i just gotta be thankful for the life i got and do my best to live it and not just survive it. you are a selfless girl with a big heart. the sacrifices you have made for your mom and family will return as unimaginable blessings.

  2. WordsFallFromMyEyes says:

    Oh dear… I am the baby of the family but I RAN OUT at age 17. My father raised me from 10-17, my mum suicided when I was 6. So I don’t quite relate, but I really don’t think you’ll be there at 40 🙂

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s