on growing up…

When it comes to romantic relationships, I rarely blog about them because I don’t consider myself an expert. But as I grow up and watch and learn from those around me, I would like to believe I have learnt a lot in my 25 years on this earth.

Relationships can be complex. Having two people brought up in different homes with different cultural backgrounds coming together and trying to live in the same environment can lead to some interesting events. That being said, the reason I write today’s post is because I have learnt something about myself and about relationships. And because a lot of my friends (guys and gals) are getting married or planning to get married and I worry about their expectations.

I am a big cynic when it comes to marriage. I have seen too many divorces, too many cases of abuse, too much sadness with some relationships for me to want to jump with joy at the prospect of being married. In spite of this, I believe others do find their happily ever after. And I think one’s mindset has a lot to do with it. I believe in love. But I want the old school love. The love that is pure and unconditional. The selfless 1 Corinthians type of love. A love built on respect and trust. I know this love exists within me so I know that once I find this kind of love, it will be easy for me give it back.

When a couple decides they are ready to settle down and tie the knot, I think a lot of growing up has to be done by both parties. I cannot speak on behalf of men because I am not a man. So I will speak for women. I will speak of the type of wife I aspire to be. The type of wife I pray that my brothers, cousins and friends will find. For she is worth far more than rubies. I think to get married, a woman has to be in the right mindset. Marriage is not child’s play. It is not a game nor is it a toy, it is a union to be taken seriously. That being said as a woman, I have to accept that I must be submissive in order to get married.

Before all the independent women draw and load their guns, let me clarify. The Bible says, wives, submit to your husbands and husbands in turn must love their wives. I’m hard headed and strong-willed. But I realise for any relationship to work, especially marriage, there cannot be 2 bulls in the pen. I cannot always get my way. There has to be a level of respect, understanding and listening to. I understand submission as an attitude of love, respect and gentleness in the way you speak and act toward your husband.

Submission means sometimes he is going to make decisions without consulting me first but instead of checking to which level my vocal chords can reach, I submit and we discuss like grown ups. Why? Because I am a woman, and my role is to submit. I often wonder how our mothers and grandmothers got their men to do their bidding. And I realise, it has a lot to do with submission. They found non confrontational way to voice their opinions and got their way. They listened to their men and in turn their men listened back. You cannot change a person. But to be ready for marriage, you have to be willing to die to self every single day and fall in love with your partner anew every single day. To die to self, to be selfless and place your partner first. The nice thing about true love is that you will not feel used or as if you are the only one giving into this relationship but you will be equally yoked with your partner. It will be a mutually satisfactory relationship.

A relationship must be based on compromise and sometimes as a woman I have to be willing to let things go for the good of the relationship. So try it ladies, the next time your fiancé does something and you’re about to blow a gasket, submit. See how it ends for you. And if you find you cannot submit, then maybe you are not ready for marriage…

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