on being MIA…

I thought it would be easy! Life was supposed to be all planned out. Primary school, high school then varsity. A good job would then materialise from somewhere and I would be set. Reaching for my dreams. Marriage and  babies and happily ever after would soon follow and it would be the complete package.

But then things didn’t go according to MY plans and I had no plan B. I was caught unaware in the middle of my journey and like a boat with no captain, I steered off course. I lost hope. The salt water blinded my eyes and for a while,  I couldn’t read the compass let alone see it. Panic set in. Gray skies surrounded me.

I never understood that I needed a plan B until then. So I made a plan B. But God has his own plans for my life. And I desperately tried to hold onto MY plans. I had it all planned out. I couldn’t let go. I needed to be in control.  But my ever faithful God waited patiently. And I got tired. The winds were strong and I couldn’t do it on my own anymore. I needed help. I needed a strong arm to guide me. So I accepted his help. I let him take over but not completely. I kept glancing at the compass, gently turning the wheel when I thought he wasn’t looking. And somewhere during that period, I lost it. I lost the claim to awesomeness. I lost being Sunshyne and in that moment, I thought, its ok to hide in the shadows. But he worked on me. He put this idea in my head that it wasn’t okay! That he created Sunshyne and he wanted her back! I told him she was weak and pathetic and didn’t deserve to be here. That there were way better people out there. That someone else could take over my spot and I would be forgotten and done away with. But he said NO! and refused to give up on me. And he reminded me:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

 Marianne Williamson

So every time self-doubt begins to knock at the door, I remind myself Who am I NOT to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?

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